Do you think he can ever fall in love with me again and we can fix our marriage without heading down the divorce road. She would tell people that I would always only be the stupid girlfriend nothing more because she would be the on,y wife he would ever have. as of now everything I say she says she doesnt want to talk until I get it. I seen a counselor Tuesday and explained how im almost 6months pregnant, ive been with my bf 14months and I feel very little support. A couple months ago I told him that I wanted to, but he freaked out and I stayed. This affair has gone on for 3 months and although we have tried to break it off we keep failing to stay out of contact. Remember, this all started because HE cheated on you. We were in the same house together for most of this time and slowly it turned into taking a break rather than breaking up. When this continues, the commonalities arent so apparent. You understand your opinions are important, and you have confidence in your ideas. Rent it. I feel lost and helpless and this point and struggle with whether Im doing the right thing by leaving. How can I forgive someone who isnt there and supporting you when your having a hard time grieving? He had picked up his drinking problem again and although not as bad as the start it was starting to affect our relationship. I really want to work things out, he is the man I am madly in love with but I dont know what to do. Being disrespectful is not putting on the table what is bothering you. In that time, I built up walls, defense mechanisms, habits, behaviors etc that I always vaguely noticed but not enough to think it was damaging anyone, including myself. It has been two months and I am depressed. Taking responsibility is a big first step. =/ Im so confused and if she decided to leave him and come back, I have such strong feelings for her but I dont know if I should take her back. Not once has he made any complaints about waiting or me going on about my interests. He still puts a smile on face and makes me laugh. We were prepared I thought. Hi Torn Telling him that you did nothing wrong isnt enough to make changes: He needs to heal and he needs help to do it. This time being over affectionate over complimenting. So its important to trust his/her judgment or their feeling that they do not want to input their opinion. Great. he said that he was starting to feel stressed because he might lose his job, i told him not to worry and i will always be there for him. I dont even enjoy being intimate with him anymore. If I can brave the shame of having the scarlet letter stamped on my head for all to see now. Since you do not say what the argument was that turned her off and I dont really understand the every-day feel of your relationship, I dont know what to suggest other than that your girlfriend might want to make an appmt w me since I am a Marriage & Family Therapist. He seems to be in selfish state of mind and thats okay, but dont call me friend or tell others that you still want to marry me and dont even act like it. Thanks! Man that sounds identical to my story for the most part. He told me I should come see him and we can get that thought out my head so I can see how busy he is, I told him I understand but things you say just dont add up neither does it make sense. There, I cant help you. Focus on loving yourself more than hating them When you are hurt, a lot of negative emotions like sadness, disbelief, and anger take over you. The answer this year is: Yes! We have always completely open and honest with each other about everything and trust each other 100 percent which has given us the opportunity to explore things in our relationship and Recently we have been exploring some fantasies. I really need your help DrDeb. He has no friends, admitted that he is scared how easily he shuts people out of his life. Said it was the first time it happened since we started dating. I was adopted by a childless couple when i was 7 years old. I was naive in thinking that not reaching my goals wouldnt hurt anyone. He eventually got a friend to beg on his behalf. Now it was this time I realized how much I loved her. I have been significantly more vocal with him about my concerns over the last 2 years and I am making little progress. Weve seen each other a few times and hes kissed me and huggedwithout me pulling him in. i have a situation i am not sure how to handle it its been about a week an a half so far my husband sit me down and told me the situation, he said i am not gonna leave at this point he said ill give you one more chance but if this situation happens again i am done, now neither one of us has ever cheated on the other and thats not what happen i said some things he didnt like about but he did find out that most of what he was told wasnt true, but heres the reason for this post he told me he would give me one more chance to change and he hasnt told me he doesnt love me anymore hes hasnt said anything like that to my face, a few days after we sat down and talked about our marriage crumpling down i seen a message he sent to a friend of ours and he told her he felt our marriage was like the titanic and then a few posts later or it might of been a few days after i didnt really look at the time and dates he messaged her telling her he is only staying with me cause of our sons sake, heres my problem why wont he just tell me the truth instead of lieing to me, i dont want to keep this going if he clearly isnt happy nor in love with me anymore, thats how i took it he told me one thing and told someone else something different, he doesnt talk ugly to me hes nice to me even when our son isnt around he does spend time with me, i understand hes hurt and upset with me and he has every right to be but i dont know if i should try and save my marriage if i am the only one that wants to save it, am i reading this the wrong way or am i reading it the right way and he doesnt want to be married to me anymore hes only doing it because of our 4 year old its not fair to him nor to our son if he clearly wants out, i dont know if he said it cause hes angry and hurt right now or if he really means what he said i am so confused on this matter i dont know what to say, like i said he hasnt told me hes not in love with me anymore i am really confused on which way he wants to go with me, i had a horrible childhood , never knew my parents, and i grew up without the knowledge of who they were and were they are and what happened to them, so it was not easy. She is taking money from me but goes home and sleep with her baby father who doesnt give her fig leaf. He was sorry, couldnt imagine life without me, blah blah. I told him this week that I am in love with him, something I wished I had never said, it seems that Ive changed everything. I am also thinking that he and his parents are the only people who gave you love and care. I would rather see YOU give him the oral sex dressed up in a way that excites your and his imagination. So my question is thisI understand that you say it takes time to heal from the hurts of the past and the pain I caused him. About 8 months ago I tried to commit suicide. With all of what I told you can my marriage be saved? I didnt want to move away and be alone while dealing with issues in our relationship. You share interests, get . What should i do I need help from anyone at this point Need advise. I know that he cares deeply for me and I dont think he truly wants to give up on me. Problems with my ex and our children made me so low I reverted to drugs. The way I work with people in therapy who have had abusive relationships (you can see my book on this go to my website for more) is to help re-wire our brains so that the trauma that caused the anger in the first place is completely healed. But eventually ended with drawn out, heart felt goodbyes to one another. You are in love with two people, but now its time to choose who to be in a relationship with. Wow your situation sounds much like mine but its the other way around. Then of course, there is learning to express your needs and tell the difference between your needs and wants. eventually, I came to my senses and told her how I felt. Not 10 words were shared between them & I didnt get out of the car other than to change seats so my husband could drive us home. I think the whole adventurous stuff will just have to wait until my medical problems clear up. i need to recreate this. Every day I saved her multiple times from aspiration. I tried to tell him how hurt I was but he felt if he showed me he loved me then I shouldnt worry about his crazy ex. I just want her to know Im a actually doing something for myself. I have been working on this with daily affirmations, meditation and self-soul care. Part two: How you feel about the other person. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite. instead of getting angry. Loving and hating someone at the same time is not necessarily a contradiction, but it does create profound emotional dissonance. We continued on fine after this, falling in love being all consumed by each other. Im not sure about this guy.. Hi Serena Yesterday, we had a falling out but we resolved things at which time she asked what time was the wedding. They are educated in our society to turn off their deeper feelings until they are disconnected from them. ), The Radicalism of Romantic Love: Critical Perspectives (pp. Some people are on the other end of the spectrum. Specialists in sex therapy deal with all kinds of medical issues that get in the way and they find a way around it, in case that is the nature of your medical problem. Its okay. Why not send her to see this post and the divorce post? And it was an outlet for peace and not dealing with our issues. I need advice bad.What does all this mean and should I just give up any hope of our marriage ever working out. If things are starting off well, then its time for some action now, which will make the girl smile at least once during the course of your date. Was he afraid to show how committed he was to you? Hes back in my life and I dont know if I could let him back in my heart , or do I do what he did to me? So I respected that cut my loses with deep pain like my world was coming to an end. You can love the fun times youve had; you can love how they made you feel, but you cant possibly love who they are if you call them ignorant, etc. Hi Dr. Deb, your advice will be greatly appreciated. prioritise her. Please help me, Give him some space ask him if he is happier around somebody else maybe he has love for his ex that he doesnt have for u but u have to ask to find out you are lucky that u have him around to talk with cuz the man I love doesnt even want to talk he just plain out says leave me alone dont talk to me. and its just amazing ive never been so happy before. I want to hate him because I think hes a horrible human being as she is for having done this when he should have just left if he wasnt happy. He falls for it. i know he wouldnt do it again but has betrayed me and disrespected me in front of family and friends . But I really feel like I am at a fork in my life, I dont know if I should just let him go or hold on and try to fix things.any help would be appreciated. He has cheated on me each year weve been together and then some. And how do I know that hes not going to do this to me again? He proposed to me this year, on our 7th anniversary, and i say yes. Im not trying to make an excuse for his actions but I know that may have played a role in all of this. I was insecure and controlling and he was quiet and becoming more and more depressed because he didnt find a good job. We have 1 child together and we have another child who I consider my own because was only 6 months old when we started dating. You do not have to go though this. Depression and anxiety has deformed him to a stranger. IDK What to do can someone help me with what I should do? Sexting and such is escapism. I really need your expert advice because I dont know am I wasting my time trying and hoping that my husband will fall in love with me and want our marriage to work. I still told him. Long story short. She is the one doing all that. For a long time I pushed her needs off to the side but now she is my Queen. I havent been insane and yelling at her like crazy. Now I cannot comprehend a single sentence on a page; havent knitted a stitch & have no desire to do so & do not care if the roses all die. I cannot do an abrupt withdrawal of everything, shutters down and shop closed. We planned to get married in 2016, but this month he pulled away from me because he didnt think we would work out anymore. He left the morning I was packing and he said it was because it was impossibly hard to watch me pack. I have been with a man twice my age for four years now he has broken and shook my trust in every way possible. But I do have a question: How do you know for certain that you wouldnt relapse into those same behaviors if he gave you a full and complete chance? He is always supportive of things that might better our life together. He swears he loves me and he would never want to hurt me. She texts me still everyday. We are on our last straw and my boyfriend of over 2 years; known each other for 3, wont talk to me until I tell him what he wants to hear or have something told to him that he doesnt know. It is not just one word that ruined things. He even said so at one pointthat all we did was talk and vent but that we werent doing any actual work. When arguments start, keep calm. We had words and that was 4 months ago. Thank you DrDeb. I wished in my heart I had kept them words to myself, he knew I liked him a lot. I took all his time and his energy and gave nothing in return. Hi M if there are any suggestions to better my future and rebuild the love I once felt for her and have her love me back please I ask any comments to be said. She believes they have a connection and she is happy with him. I dont know What to do what worse is that we still are married & live together!!! It seems hes missing an important part of being in the relationship with you. So she came to my place and looks big. And I have no advice for you. After the breakup or the loss of a loved one, you will feel powerlessbut that's okay. I never felt safe and I never felt grounded. Before giving up on the marriage, she should give that a try. These are the new things that you will be able to talk about. Yes you can! She said she works and is too busy. I dont feel the need to initiate contact anymore. I am sure I will get it back. Our responsibilities were laid out for us and there was no question about what we should be doing in life. It should make us more sympathetic to the plight of others. I love himI just dont want to hurt from the past or not trust a word he says but I do and it kills me everyday. It is as though I feel like she should just forgive me and move on since I am getting help and have been improving for sure, but she insists it doesnt work that way (which intellectually I know). The betrayal doesnt have to be as raw as cheating, although it can be that. Im just ready to move on but I really really do love him. Well its almost 3 mos. Make some effort to plan things out i dont know how to make him understand and get him back i am really immature with all this . The feelings were still there for both of us. He just treated me like crap with little remorse, but I dismissed it because I was still head over heals in love with him. What.kind of stuff is that i been dealing wit it for a while n nw im juz fed up. In 2012 I took outside work as financial times were tough. Find a very good therapist, a person trained in systemic therapy who only does marriage counseling. Love and hate are similar in being directed toward another person because of who he or she is. i was in this case the giver and he the taker, i understand now that i played a role in him just taking everything and giving me nothing. We is currently finishing her masters thesis right now too and says she doesnt have the emotional capacity to focus on too many things at once, that we should focus on our own issues for the time being and try to work together when she is emotional adept to do so. I work with my ex and he did exactly this to me. i ask for meetup face to face , he avoided. Im humbled that you responded to me and your words ring ever true to me and should to everyone working on a relationship. When we hate someone, we are more likely to wish they would suffer or at least change who they are. He is the first person I have ever been in love with. About a year ago now, she had a gastric sleeve done for health reasons and self esteem reasons. But she told me shes now living with a woman (good Samaritan) who have her basement in her place but the place need fixing. Think about the people you deal with and how straight w them you are. I landed in jail. I was, for the last few months selfish and stuck in my own problems. I told him that I may have just used him for sex but I am finding that I do still care very much for him & I never treated him with respect or appreciation. But it kept happening. I tried to stop him and even sent CVs for him here in Portugal without telling him. Am I wrong to be upset about this? I dont know what to think. 15 First Date Ideas that Can Spark a Love Connection Im willing to do whatever it takes to gain back her trust and respect. Now he wants divorce. Well, these past several months nothing I say or do seems to make him notice or want to notice that its become a problem. I was still madly in love with her and after a couple weeks we got back together, for the next two years we kept doing this cycle of on and off. June of 2013, I had taken the physical abuse pretty far and had hurt her fairly bad. Blame? But we still talk on and off and she still loves me but doesnt want to leave the guy shes with. It got so bad I just stopped going to his moms. I was upset that he went out with his friend who treated me really badly a few years ago. Allow this step the time it needs to unfold. Like you said, you are too young for so much stress. Idk where to start. From this, respect and trust begin to grow. This past week she saw that I was very unhappy and that it was causing a lot of problems to our relationship so she decided to close the open relationship, now idk what to think. The key is to not work with a psychodynamic therapist which will take 30 years. I dont have a problem with platonic friendships of the opposite sex but after 10 weekends I told my husband how I feltI explained to him that he had stopped doing the little things and that I wanted to spend time with him. there was Cheating,verbal abuse, drug use, and been an absent and irresponsable father. They have a hard time understanding that they can love someone who isn't with them physically. We were literally inseparable from the first day we met and have been ever since. I dont want to keep hurting him. I didnt tell him i went outside when my friend was showering. It truly is possible to rebuild. Weve both have tried to stop each other from arguing but can never come to an accordance together. He is waiting on an answer but it is killing him inside I know. It was my value. It hurt so much, but I understand seeing from her point of view, and know that she has had past experiences of men leaving her throughout her life, as her father left her when she was younger. Of course she has been living this type of comment but i usually ignored. i forgave him even though there were about four more episodes of blacking out in which he called names and used some deep secrets I had told him against me. he said its not gonna work because his feelings have changed somewhat its not as strong as before. In functional relationships, the ambivalence tends to be short-lived. What we had resonates with what you had with your partner we were a perfect match in every way. She even on my Birthday while I was gone that week said I feel lucky to have you in my life. We havent been in love for a long time now and havent utteredI life you in all this time. It reminds you that you are, indeed, a good person so you should not blame yourself for helping her, and 2. And he didnt know how it happened, but shed been calling him and something led to the other and he gave in to temptation. Tyler, I mean therapy! I think Im getting/am depressed and will be going to a doctor for help on Friday. They have been talking for about a month and they both ended the contact, because first the other woman, was not aware he was married, so once she found out, she no longer wanted anything from him. Betraying my baby. I desperately wanted his love but only if freely given. I know i love him. So they take what is in the moment rather than count on something long term. I would tell him Im just a piece of meat to you,you dont love me. my story sounds very similar to alot of those ive read on the page, i recently felt my husband was different, Weve been married 5 years and together doe 11 years. The other husband and I were joking around. I just dont know. I just need to get that back. What does that mean? You cant do that this time. It happened a 2nd time & I questioned him. I wonder if he can ever fall in love with me again. We talked about and he just wasnt ready, I gave in, I had gotten a divorce from my husband if 13 years. He felt neglected by me and thinks it may be too late to work out any issues. I basically take care of him like a kid and goes behind my back and decieves me. There is no foul play or any words said that is out of color. One of the keys to earning trust back is patient giving. That means being patient and not expecting the response you want, but giving, giving, giving. What I advise is a really, really competent therapist who will work with the two of you together to help him turn on his feelings (which means helping him overcome his early learning to turn them off). He also has another less popular twitter account which I also hacked. Maybe your therapist is signaling that you should go with your heart. Which felt like my already broken heart had been shredded. I had stayed faithful since that mistake and did all I could to build trust and be as opened as possible. Ask questions about where shes been or what she wants to do next The entire thing has made me crazy and depressed. Plus I requested a favor since last year that she stylishly turned down. Its hard to see things turning around but I really want it to. I reached out to him to let him know that Im angry, but I still love him. I trusted him. Hi Ryan since you didnt ask a question, I didnt respond. Its like I think hes magically going to change one day into the perfect gentlemen I first met and well be a happy family like Ive always wanted. Indeed, instead of contributing her opinion on the issues she said my baby father is outside to pick my up. Then ask him how you can make it up to him. So we bounced around a little after until we managed to find our own apartment. this did hurt my boyfriends feelings and i know he really loves me that is why he is so hurt . Ive dated for a couple years and was in a serious relationship for two years but ended when I wanted marriage and she didnt. Mostly, theyre just for fun and the fun gets old with the same partners so people switch. I knew I had lost him. Has pushed me away and said he will never love me again. we have tried a few times to get it back, but hes never seemed that comfortable with me and ive been very insecure so its made me hold back on the new me i want to be. and this girl i love, shes lost trust in me. I would go to his moms house and it was like a shrine to the ex. I was distraught and when confronted, they both lied, until eventually i got the truth, which was that he had been sleeping with us both for around 3 weeks. We inspired eachother in our creative endeavors. His reactions are not normal. What can I do to get her back? D stood between the open door & me. I think its possible fall in and out of love, unfortunately for me I am the one who keeps messing up indifferent ways. since hurting the one I loved so deeply, so much, she has chosen to never want contact and I granted her that peace she asked for. Expected behaviors dont happen and new, lovely ones are in their place: consideration, gentleness, sensitivity, generosity of time and effort. And maybe, just maybe, theyll come around and run right back home and into your arms. My grandchildren (in elem school) wouldnt cheat, Id take bets on that. I moved to my mothers the next day. I still love this girl and I want to give her another chance. Next, it is not your job to make him happy. He had asked her to join us for lunch on Christmas Day which our daughters were hosting for us all at our home. Meanwhile during pregnancy I tried visiting her place but she prevented me that the landlady doesnt want anyone come over. 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